"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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