I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
