so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
