I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
