did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
