I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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