Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
being pregnant is like rehab
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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