Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
