Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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