Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
