Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
