the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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