One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
