so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
