i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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