I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
