The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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