You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
50% drunk capacity currently
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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