The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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