Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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