Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm at about main and main street
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
