he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
