It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
