last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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