i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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