Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm too high and old for this...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize