as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
