i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
