if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
