Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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