If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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