Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
