Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
