she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
