pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
