I cannot find my penis.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
