I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
