very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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