I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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