Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
