yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
