Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
