I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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