where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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