Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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