I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
