Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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