My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
