no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
