Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
