I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
