my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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