Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize