My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
