We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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