dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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