I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
