What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
